8 Statements That Are “Probably” as Profound as What the DEA Leader Said About CannabisRebecca Kelley
July 29, 2015
On Tuesday Chuck Rosenberg, the acting administrator for the Drug Enforcement Administration, showed off the experience that landed him at the DEA by proclaiming that heroin is probably more dangerous than cannabis
“If you want me to say that marijuana’s not dangerous, I’m not going to say that because I think it is. Do I think it’s as dangerous as heroin? Probably not. I’m not an expert.”
No, Mr. Rosenberg, apparently you’re not an expert. Why would the head of the DEA need to be super knowledgeable about something like drugs, anyway?
Now, to be fair, concede the fact that Rosenberg’s shruggy response is still better than what his predecessor, recently-resigned Michele Leonhart
, thought about cannabis — remember back in 2012
when she refused to say whether cannabis was as harmful as meth or crack? Or when she criticized President Obama
for comparing smoking cannabis to drinking alcohol?
Still, it’s concerning that the head of the DEA is trying to justify his weak responses by saying he’s “not an expert” when it’s literally his job to be an expert in drug policy. So Mr. Rosenberg, if you need help wrapping your head around some other statements that are “probably” as profound as your thoughts on marijuana vs. heroin, take these eight maybe-facts (I don’t know for sure since I’m not an expert, but they feel like they could be mostly truthful) under consideration:
1. Warm, Gooey Cookies Probably Taste Better Than Plain, Flavorless Crackers
Cookies are, in my opinion, pretty darn tasty, probably moreso than crackers, although I’m no expert so I can’t say for certain.
2. Someone You Like on Game of Thrones is Probably Going to Die Next Season
Again, I’m not an expert, but that show kills off beloved characters faster than Snoop Dogg can roll a joint. I’m pretty sure George R.R. Martin wets his pen with the tears of millions of heartbroken fans.
3. It’s Probably Faster to Drive 200 Miles Than to Moonwalk It
I mean, if moonwalking is your thing then by all means — I’m just saying it’s probably going to take you a while. (But I’m no expert in moonwalking so I can’t say for sure.)
4. Cancer is Probably Worse Than a Stubbed Toe
Unless you stubbed your cancerous toe. That would probably doubly hurt. But then again, I’m not a doctor. Or a toe expert.
5. Fresh Sheets are Probably Nicer to Sleep in Than Burlap Sacks
But who knows, maybe you like the feeling of itchy, coarse fabric against your skin.
6. Petting a Puppy Probably Feels Better Than Petting a Porcupine
I mean, soft fur is probably nicer to the touch than sharp quills, right? Where’s a petting expert when you need one?
7. Beyoncé is Probably More Famous as a Solo Artist Than She Was in Destiny’s Child
You’re probably more familiar with “Single Ladies” than “Bills, Bills, Bills,” right, Mr. Rosenberg? I’m just sayin’, Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams don’t have a cannabis strain named after their daughter
. (But keep in mind that I don’t have my Bachelor’s degree in Beyoncénomics.)
8. Chuck Rosenberg Probably Needs to Better Educate Himself About Cannabis
Probably. But I’m no expert.