Arden Leigh is a blogger and author of the book The New Rules of Attraction: How to Get Him, Keep Him, and Make Him Beg for More. During her talk about creating better relationships through the art of seduction, she said:
“Most human beings will spend more time studying calculus than studying how to intentionally be in a relationship with someone they love.”
People spend countless hours on education and job training, but comparatively little time is spent studying how to interact successfully with other humans in relationships. I sat down with Arden, who has devoted 10,000+ hours of study to relationships, and asked her to share some of the insight she has gleaned.
Arden Leigh, author of The New Rules of Attraction
Many people have negative associations with seduction and the pickup artist (PUA) community, but a recurring theme in Arden’s work is that seduction is an act of generosity. She explained, “Here’s one of the most important truths of seduction, what ultimately all good, successful PUAs learn: Tactics like manipulation, dishonesty, agenda-pushing, misogyny (or misandry), disparagement, deception, and general meanness are never actually seductive. And things like integrity, honesty, vulnerability, communicativeness, reliability, and candor are seductive in that along with just being generally good things to do, they’re also necessary to forming a functional relationship with any decent human being. Not only are such qualities not at cross-purposes with pickup, but they’re actually crucial to its most elevated levels as an art form.
“The worthiest part of seduction is engaging your curiosity about another human being, and allowing that curiosity to open up a space for them to be their truest selves with you, without fear of judgment or repercussion. Only then do you get to truly know someone. That is both seduction’s greatest gift and its greatest reward.”
How can cannabis fit into your seduction attempts? Arden graciously took some of the central tenants of seduction and expanded them so that cannabis can be integrated seamlessly. Here are some ideas:
Make a Proactive Approach and Pay Attention
Start a conversation with the person in whom you’re interested. People are often relieved when someone approaches them authentically (read: not with some cheesy line or a dick pic) because it’s so rare. As Arden points out, “The seducer makes all of the crucial first moves in order to shoulder the potential rejection and create a safe space in which to explore intimacy.”
Find out what motivates them, what activities they enjoy, and what books and films influenced them as they were growing up. These things will give you insights into what kinds of planned adventures will be most effective. For instance, if they share that they have asthma and are a strict vape-only user, offering them a rip from your 5-foot bong might not go over well.
Offer an Excuse to Be Alone (Together, of Course)
Since cannabis is still only recreational in four states plus D.C., and even in those states it’s illegal to imbibe cannabis in public, it’s vital to have a private space in which to retreat. Inviting your new object of affection to come over and smoke can provide them with a comfortable space to imbibe and a chance for the two of you to bond over a joint (or, better yet, flirtatiously teach your date how to roll one — more on that later).
Your place should offer an environment that feels both comfortable and can set a seductive mood. One of the things I enjoy most about visiting Arden’s apartment is the way I feel when I’m in it. She set out to create an oasis of pleasure and it’s clear she considered every possible detail. Soft leather couches, red velvet blackout curtains, and a gothic aesthetic that falls somewhere between Sherlock Holmes and a high-end whiskey and cigar bar create an atmosphere of decadence and escape. Floor-to-ceiling mirrors and an all-white bedroom with a four-poster bed offers her romantic interests a blank canvas on which to design their fantasies. As adults, we have the opportunity to create an aesthetic that mirrors our personalities and evokes an intentionally targeted reaction from our guests.
Use Ritual to Anchor Pleasurable Experiences
Many cannabis users have a specific way they prepare and consume. A dab user might have a heat-proof mat, an e-nail, and their dab tools laid out in advance. Someone who prefers joints might have their grinder, rolling papers, and tray set up and ready to go. You have the opportunity to incorporate the object of your attraction into your rituals, or even co-create a new ritual together.
While away with a lover this past weekend, I taught him how to dab. I showed him the rig, the torch, the tools, and the tiny container of CO2 oil from WVapes. I explained the order of operations and demonstrated for him so he would feel more at ease. Then I measured a miniscule dab for him and walked him through the process a second time. Because I took the time to initiate him into this ritual, not only does he now know the proper way to dab, but he also felt comfortable being vulnerable and exploring a new facet of his cannabis use with me. As a bonus, the next time he dabs, he’ll think of me and the fun weekend we had together. I’ve successfully anchored that pleasurable experience in his brain. Read more about rituals and social practices here.
What are some ways you mindfully incorporate seduction into your relationships and prospective relationships? Have you ever tried any pickup techniques? Share your experiences!
Arden Leigh is the founder of the Sirens Seduction Forum and the author of The New Rules of Attraction. She is a coach at the Interpersonal Attraction Institute, writes a regular advice column for Auxiliary Magazine, and maintains her blog at ardenleigh.typepad.com. She is currently at work on a memoir of her experiences in the BDSM community. Her band, Arden and the Wolves, has released two EPs. You can find her on Twitter and Instagram.
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