Discreetly Dank is a recurring column dedicated to giving a voice to those who dare to be dank. Each volume will come from a different writer in need of a safe space to document what it’s really like to be a weed lover in a world that still hasn’t normalized cannabis.
Here’s the thing, y’all. Now that we work from home, I get high at work all the time. In fact, I think weed makes me a better employee, and I am ready to argue my case.
“Smoking weed helps me win more often than not.”
Let me preface this by saying I’m not a surgeon. I’m not driving a school bus full of kids. I’m not making life or death decisions nor is my job reliant on my cat-like reflexes.
And sure. I know some people don’t perform at their best when stoned, and some just don’t like mixing work and fun. But for me, myself, and I?
I love getting high at work. And to be honest, I’m a better employee for it.
Weed and the workday
The thing is, smoking weed helps me win more often than not.
“With a little puff puff, I can Matrix-dodge some of the obstacles that past versions of me would have had to discuss at my quarterly review.”
I’m calmer when I’m smoking weed. I breathe before responding to feedback or shooting off a sassy Slack message. And I’m not popping off with “per my last email” messages at the slightest annoyance. With a little puff puff, I can Matrix-dodge some of the obstacles that past versions of me would have had to discuss at my quarterly review.
I’m also a better creative problem solver. Weed loosens my mind, helps me think outside the box, and helps me find more inventive solutions.
Basically (given the pros and cons) most people at my job would prefer for me to be a little bit toasted to be the teammate they depend on. But if this is true, why does it feel like such big deal if my bosses found out I get stoned on the job? Especially in a state where adult-use cannabis is legal.
Dodging co-workers’ cannabis opinions
It’s not just the bosses. I also know that my co-workers would judge me for smoking at work.
Just last month, a close work friend of mine went on and on about how her boyfriend always gets high at work and how much she hates it. Little did she know, she talks to me while I’m high at work all the time.
I just smiled and nodded… because I was high.
If they knew I was toking up while I’m off-camera on our weekly organization status calls, she and my other work friends might think differently about me and my work ethic.
And even though I received a bonus for being the top performer in my department just this year, I’m not ready to be pegged as a stoner stereotype and judged for the way I prefer to be productive.
Why is weed still NSFW?
It feels like the line between what is an acceptable substance to consume at work and what isn’t is entirely based on societal constructs and not how these substances impact employee performance and happiness.
Don’t believe me? Let’s just say I’ve dabbled in a few things, and in my opinion, overshooting my usual caffeine intake by a couple of cups feels scary similar to what it feels like to snort a couple of lines. (Note: I recommend not making this astute observation out loud at work. Very few of your suburban co-workers will appreciate the forbidden knowledge your nightclub experiences have given you before they’ve even had one cup of coffee.)
Also, while weed is not a substitute for getting on all types of medication, the right weed strains do help calm my anxiety. Perhaps if my evil corporate overlords gave us non-shitty health insurance, this wouldn’t be as big of a deal as it is. But in 2022? Calming my anxiety is a big deal.
Of course I know that not everyone can handle their weed, but for those who can: what’s the difference between a cup of coffee, soothing tea, or a joint to make it through the work day?
Taking charge of my work from home mental health
Weed can’t make everyone a better employee, but it makes me one, so I’m gonna keep getting high at work.
It’s even factored into my plan to keep working from home now that my company is office-optional. It’s something I do to take care of my mental health and ensure I’m in the best headspace to keep swimming through the capitalist hellscape we all gotta live in these days.
And you know what? I think I’m onto something. Thinking this way transcends work because, at the end of the day, I smoke weed for me.
It makes me happier, makes me feel more grounded, and makes me feel like a more present and realized human being.
If you don’t like that, feel free to write up an employee feedback form, attach the PDF, run it past my supervisor, and shove it up your ass. I’ll be right here toking up when I get the email.