Welcome to “Is It Worth the High?”, where our writers see newly released movies, listen to the latest album drops, and try other experiences while high to determine whether they’re worth your time, money, and most importantly, your cannabis buzz. This week, Dante Jordan returns to Jurassic Park for the latest installment of dinos run amok. Is the fifth installment of the franchise worth viewing while elevated?
Products Enjoyed: Super Sour Diesel
High Experienced (1-10): 10 + 10. This strain is next level.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, starring Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard as Owen Grady and Claire Dearing, is a movie about dinosaurs (duh). After finding out a volcano on the island of Isla Nublar (where the dinosaurs are posted up) is about to erupt and kill everything, Owen and Claire make a plan to rescue the remaining dinosaurs. However, that plan soon goes up in flames as the rescuers who travel to the island to help them are revealed to be double-crossing animal traffickers. They steal all the dinosaurs and return them to some rich science dudes who are gathering genetics and research in order to create a super dinosaur, the Indoraptor.
At the risk of being the bearer of bad news, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is absolute poop. I’m sorry, but it’s a really, really bad movie. It’s way more action and CGI than actual storyline, which only works in Michael Bay films. This sequel doesn’t push the franchise forward (or in any direction, for that matter), and at the end of the day, the movie really gives you no reason to care.
The whole goal of it is to introduce a new evil dinosaur weapon in the Indoraptor, but they already did that in the first movie with Indominus Rex, so it’s a trick that falls flat. Then, after already failing with their main trick, they double down with a couple more twists that ultimately just come off as lazy and forced.
Rounding out the nonexistent storyline is some pretty subpar acting. Hollywood really wants to sell us this “Chris Pratt is a leading man” dream, but the man simply does not have the required goods. He’s a funny guy, but that’s where it stops. The man has no depth—he can’t make you feel things with his acting, so in those scenes when he connects with Blue, the raptor that the new World franchise centers around, the movie should draw you in emotionally but doesn’t. I loved him in Parks & Rec, but please, Hollywood, stop trying to make Chris Pratt a thing.
The only truly good part of the movie is Justice Smith as Franklin Webb, a nerdy scientist who spazzes at every slight noise he hears and definitely has no place in the field with dinosaurs. He was funny, he was believable, he turned up when he needed to and fell back when he didn’t; he did everything that you’d want from the comedy-relief sidekick of a film.
Is It Worth the High? No. It’s a really bad movie that sacrifices its core story for explosions and CGI. It’s basically The Fast and the Furious: Dinosaur Drift. You should not waste your high on this film. Instead, go to an art festival or something.